It is scary

I feel so jealous. All the time.
Jealous of things that I don't even want and most defiantly do not need.
I want so much. I hate how much. Yet I don't let my jealously and wanting affect my actions. At least I try not to, but I know that that makes me distant. That's the rub, trying so hard not to act a certain way, monitoring your actions and censoring thoughts, it can't be done. It leaves you so weary, so tired.
I'll tell you my fears of black abyss of internet:
I want people. Always and never.
The one truth I will always know to be true is that everybody leaves; no one stays.
So lonely, I desire companionship that can be counted on and possessed. I fear I will never again let myself believe this to be possible. And part of me feels I am right not to, it is the truth, one constant no one can escape. No matter how much it hurts.
I wish I was somebodies 'reason' reason to stay, to go, to smile, to laugh, to anything. Even cry. I want to mean something to somebody. Be something to somebody. Know that it is more then just me.
I hate how bitter I get about others who have this. It makes me sick and feel cruel. I want them to be happy, truly. But I wish I could have that. That I could be a reason to be happy. Or at least be happy myself.

Tired, tired all the time. Weary down to the bone.
Something is wrong and I won't fix it and no one can fix it for me. I wish they would make me handle it. Make me face all my problems. But I won't let them, and no one will ignore my pride and vanity enough to tell me to shut up and make me change.
Terrible but that is what I want.