Well that's Ironic

Spooky. I wish it was more then just a coincidence.
Somehow I can't believe it would be true.

Aeschylus

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that we cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

Insomnia

The dream is okay, reality is the nightmare.
Theres a lot of suffering going on, and you can't dream all that away. It lingers after the dream, and worms its way into it.
Polluted.

Mumford and Sons night

I know that things are broken
And though there’s too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken
Like the coward I am I hang my head

...Where was my fault...

This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more


And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

The way I Imagine it

This would be my best guess

Or wish.

Maybe I'll show you someday, I'd want to.

Wishes

Wish I could fast forward two weeks or rewind the same.

19 years old

I hate this.
I think I just grew up and figured out that this is the way life will feel from now on.

Summer, spring, winter, fall I want those times back then they were all the same. When they were the same monotonous thing all melted together, and you couldn't tell one from the other.
That is better then the constant shift of emotion now, ups and downs and no middles.
Time used to be all squished together, all the same no point ending or beginning. A line. A constant down.
But I knew what to expect.
Its just endings now and forced beginnings. And a general acceptation that everything I ever wanted, wished, or hoped for is just as fake as the rest of this pathetic place.

Sentiments mean nothing. Keep them they'l do me no good anymore.

Once more with feeling.

Happy Birthday to Me.

I Know how it will End

The Doctor: Vincent, can I help?
Van Gogh: It's so clear you cannot help. And when you leave—and everyone always leaves—I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.
The Doctor: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly always hope.
Van Gogh: Then your experience is incomplete! I know how it will end. And it will not end well.

Chances

Take all your chances while you can
You never know when they'll pass you by
Like a sum the mathematician cannot solve
Like me trying my hardest to explain

Forget. Remember.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you.
Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow.But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously.

But that's not true.
You can remember every one. Every single one.
And I can still remember what I was. Sometimes that's worse.
It is so hard to believe what it used to be like, how that could even have been. All those times, those bits before.

Like I made that all up
Maybe I did.

No sleep

too much of Myself isn't
My own.

I keep only the Sad
for Me

I knew it

It's true.
Everyone will hurt you
Everybody leaves

You have to deal with it.
No one can help their nature.

Google found it...might have changed it a bit.

Love and trust, take risks and live.
Of course do these things…
But keep a tiny bit of soul to cuddle up to
A tiny reason and part of you
Which wants to love and try again

Where do I go.

A year ago I was happy. I was content, I knew what it meant to be me, I knew my self.
I have become a stranger, something unknown here awake in the dark crying and wanting no comfort. Maybe I have changed, or maybe this was part of me I never knew before. Maybe both. Suppose I will never know, and it dose not matter.
I will crave the days I knew my way and my world. When I knew Pain, a sharp break or yell, and Love, a voice or hand there for comfort and reassurance being told there was so much more.
What I miss is the feeble hope and desire to know that not everyone has to leave you. That maybe somethings were forever. Things could change, life was good, there were people and places that would remain, alone wasn't the only option.
I am not worse for having felt this, for having known these. But is it for the better that I know and fell and yet they are lost to me now?
In my sadness I can not answer, and if I could I don't think I would want to know right now.
Here in the dark all I have are my thoughts and memories and wanting to sleep to forget. What of waking up though, maybe that will suck the most, what if in the first moments between day and night I forget, and it will start all over again.
There will always be more. More writing. More pain. More love. More loss.
More ends.


There was a fall, a beginning, and it hurt most if all, if only because it was unexpected. For the End all that can be said is that it will not soon be forgot.