Epiphany Time

I was walking back to my dorm from work, it was cold, I saw people (I hate interacting with people, it is just like 'oh let me say hello to you even though neither of us knows the others name and we shall never again acknowledge the other existence' all because we have no clue what else we should be doing) I passed the last nearby person just before the long straight stretch that lead to my building,
I paused.
I didn't stop, I slowed down.
Every day I just run from one place to the next, because it is cold, because I want to be inside, because I feel awkward. Hurry. Hurry.
Run now so we can slow down later.
But today I paused. I began thinking as I took my few lazy steps about how miraculous this all is.
I looked out across the campus and it was just color, emerald and robins egg, scarlet and the deep grey that trees perfect over winter.
It then occurred to me that I wasn't cold. I had slowed and stopped shivering and POOF realized that my coat kept me plenty warm.
It hit me that I was on a planet. Right now we are ON A PLANET! And this is amazing, think about it! Really think! We are essentially on a giant spinning piece of rock. A giant spinning piece of rock that has all these things growing out of it and living on it. Little things that can grasp, even if just for a moment, the miracle of there own existence and infinity of it.
I looked up at the sky, the bright lovely sky whose color artists can only dream of replicating, and you know what? Looking at sky is looking at infinity. Looking at every exist-able thing, because there is forever hidden there in he sky, a vast expanse of everything. The infinity of existence.
I remembered that I love it here, even though sometimes I question the worth of this struggle, but out there is beauty. In here is beauty too, you just have to pause.

Inventory

Today I have:
Had 2 panic attacks
Been mentally/emotionally exhausted
Acted in ways I did not choose to
Felt like my heart was going to explode
Forgotten about 1 online quiz
Come up with grand visualizations of my stress
Used working out to stabilize my moods
Spun down the hall
Eaten three meals
Hugged a person who needed it

Nergburglr: revised

You know ink. Not ball point pen ink, true ink. Quills and brushes and deep sea, that ink.
Take that and add water, but the most blue-black, deepest, coldest water you can imagine.
Let it hang. In air. In space.
Make your own physics. It will act as you want.
And it slowly but fiercely descends on you. Clinging and binding like a soaked towel.


I had plans, things I was going to write, stuff I was going to say, foods I was going to eat.
I did some of them, till it became so hard to focus.
I wrote some homework, but the words weren't mine.
I planned what to say, and walked by in silence.
I looked, then had a sandwich.

It got really difficult. Like when Daniel in theater class would have us walk around as if in syrup.
We would go on mining how it would resist out movement and stick us to one spot. Everything feels like real life that. A too heavy comforter. Both comfortable and strangling.

That lie

"I'm just tired."

Scribbles vs Sleep

In an odd turn of events neither wins and I go on to text people

Pinterest has lots of words but that doesn't mean they fix me

Just remind me that SOMEONE at some point has felt it too. And got through it enough to gain some wisdom.

Talking to a computer is not healthy sometimes. And writing counts.

LOTS OF POSTS FOR THE MEANINGLESS BLOG/BLOP!

So tired.

Didn't cry.
Hurt but I didn't cry
and that scares me.

Because that is a dangerous way to live.
Or to not.

First post of the new year: every thing continues on as abysmal as it was before

I can not even.
I can't even.
I have lost the ability to EVEN.

Is life over yet. This is getting monotonous.